Macau

Macau today was amazing. Not quite Vegas in feeling, but getting there. Back in the states tomorrow,bye Asia.

HK Skyline

The HK skyline is incredibly impressive. Each building is littered with lights; the goal being to outdo it's neighboring skyscraper. As they compete for attention in the night the end result is an awesome display of collaborated color. We were told the best place to view the 8pm light show that the buildings put on was in the lounge at the Intercontinental hotel. Sipping my $95 HKD gin and tonic kept the experience classy and worldly.

Then we went out and guess who we meet also partying in HK? Ron Artest!! We shared a drink and deep thoughts before he thanked his therapist and continued about his nighttime antics. Strangely enough, he predicted that a local HK basketball team, and NOT the Lakers, would win the NBA championship next year. I told him I didn't think that is possible but at the time, to be polite and in order to follow the graces of social etiquette, I indulged his prophecy and gave him a high-five to remember. Ali snapped a pic with him and we let him go.

Monastery

Sent from my iPhone

Begin forwarded message:

From: Josh Malter <malter.josh@gmail.com>
Date: September 8, 2010 7:40:29 PM PDT
To: Dad Cell <michael.malter@gmail.com>, Sue <suemalter@gmail.com>
Subject: Monastry

Big Buddha

To fully embrace the culture, as did rocky, colt and tum tum in 3 ninjas, ali and I bought masks and saw the big Buddha.

We also saw the monastery at it's base and walked the "wisdom path." I already feel the wisdom kicking in. Well, it's either the wisdom or the dim sum we ate last night at some sketchy place.

Hong kong is amazing and I want to move here. We have been learning mandarin Chinese in the book that ali brought and found out that not only is it the wrong dialect (Cantonese here), but the people of HK despise the Chinese. Whatever, I still have a rad mask.

Lan Kwai Fong

Here is a pic of the Lan Kwai Fong area. So insane. Shout out to Brett Maurer for telling me to hit this up as soon as I got here.

Around 1 am people were dancing in the streets and challenging taxis to dance offs. Seriously. Funniest thing ever. And yes, both ali and I participated in the taxi cab dance dance revolution challenge.

Nee ha ma

In Hong kong with ali. This city is absolutely amazing. Everything is opposite on this side of the world as the local drivers are fantastic! Haha. Ali here Is enjoying a chocolate shake, goyoza, and some egg covered pasta. I don't understand it but I love it and can most likely forsee a stomach ache.

Climbed Victoria peak yesterday, saw hong kong park, and went out in LAN Kwai fong. The night scene is unreal and we had a killer time. We met a million expats and only 2 locals. The local we did meet, this flamboyantly suave gent named George, made up for all those we didn't. He was a self proclaimed Asian Austin Powers. Had the glasses to match. I rocked a mustache because I could. The beard I grew in order to blend in with the local Philippinos to avoid being kidnapped is no more. New city, new me.

Heading to the Big Buddha today which is on some island to, well, I guess, admire an oversized buddha? Good enough reason for me. Here we come you large jovial luck filled wish-granter. I want a pony and a flash based myspace background!

Manila, it's been real. I swear I'll call...

So the Philippines part of my journey is nearing a conclusion. The sights, people, adventures, and smells will all be a ghost of the past. Actually, the smells will haunt me for years to come. Everytime I smell Pepto I'll think of you, manila meat and fish market in the humid 90 degree weather. Everytime there is a 2 for 1 sale on deodorant I will purchase that extra stick of freshness while thinking of you, homeless psycho who went on a purposeless tirade through the 7 eleven and had to be forcefully escorted out. Whenever I hear the word "sir" "boss" or "friend" I will think of you, entire nation consistently trying to sell me worthless shit that no possible person in this world could ever NEED.

So much to recall that it is nearly impossible. Luckily, between me, rom, and stew we had 7 devices (excessive? Definitely) to record our voyage. As we speak stew is hard at work in the lab on final cut making a travel vid to remember. He says, based on the raw footage, it has a chance to make Sundance.

On our last morning here all of the Chinese tourists we befriended in the various casinos decided to throw us a surprise going away instant coffee party. I wore my finest, aka only, clean shirt and Rom rocked his Lake show throwback. He kept it real until the very end. They all told me I could stay with them in Hong Kong but I gratefully refused because I can only handle so much living room karaoke.

I meet APM at 5am tomorrow and we will begin the HK adventure.

'Till then I bid you good 'morrow

O

Sent from my iPhone

Fish Dinners Like Whoa

Being a fish must suck. While floating underwater is admittedly a great time, you have no limbs to do cool activities with, such as karate moves. We rented out a snorkel boat yesterday and lived with the fishies for several hours. It was... Inspiring. If you thought they couldn't set up a tourist trap in the middle of a snorkel reef you clearly under estimated the creativity of the Filipino. They did. No sir, thank you kindly but I don't think I need a shitty bracelet with my name sewn on it right now. I am looking at fish.

Anyway, each night an impromptu fish market opens on the sand and you get to pick the fish you want to eat, the style it is prepared with, and how many beers you want to enjoy it with. Eat like king triton (I do understand the cannibalistic implications of Triton eating fish but go with it) for under $10. It is awesome. You get to play god and pick the fish who will later end up in your digestive system. Since I am not a fish I cannot empathize with them, and since they are so tasty I refuse to sympathize.

The Last pic shows how funny their advertising is. In the US we use subliminal messaging hoping to entice the subconscious. Here, they just tell you what they want you to think. Hahaha.

"my post was interesting"

>

Sebang

Took a pontoon boat to Sebang, puerto gallera, and White Beach. A little touristy but very nice. There is a ridiculous amount of people trying to scam tourists here in some very clever ways. Me and stew ordered a pizza and they came and put 2 extra large pizzas on our table and then told us they didn't understand English when we tried to tell them we didn't order that. Shady people, beautiful land.

Headed to Sebang today and then Batangas on Sat. Suppose to be crazy in Sebang so we are pumped. You just say "Justin bieber" here and everyone laughs and embraces you. Then I forgive them for their sketchiness, and let them comb my hair.

Tiny Volcano

This is a tiny ass volcano called Taal. It's right next to Jeremy's
right elbow. Clearly it is very impressive. The view was great but
it's always insanely hot so we were sorta miserable. Luckily Jeremy
and I were fortunate enough to bump into the only authorized raybans
dealer on the streets of Manila. I used the negotiation skills I
obtained in law school, and 5 minutes later, we both got a fresh pair
of new Wayfarer shades for 150 pesos or $2.50. This kept our eyes
protected and our style ultra-fly while battling the heat.

Everywhere we go we hear Bieber and lady gaga. American pop culture is
clearly parasitic. They did a whole report on the Emmys here. Why
would anyone here care? We don't even care while living in the
states. I fly thousands of miles away and can't escape Starbuks even
in a 3rd world country. The cost of a frappacino here could feed a
family for a week.

When we get drunk at night the street food we eat usually are bacon
wrapped hot dogs. Here, they get drunk and eat eggs with duck embryo's
inside. Insane. I don't even like lettuce, no way I'm eating an
aborted duck.

Rom Getting Married!

He met his love. She is a beautiful girl and is most definitely not a slut for money. They will be wed early 2011.  She will not work at a call center anymore.  Later Dell Computers!!  She's now living Gatsby's American Dream

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Ivan's Hyper Game

He uses shameless Airforce game tactics and just pursues, point blank, looking for the kill. By the way, 20 pesos = 40 cents hahahha.

Stew Dying

A 72 hour parade of fancies and tasteful women will turn a man to this. He is trying to remember where he left his dignity last night.

Sketchy Airport

Bohol

The beach at Bohol was amazing. Killer place to stay for a few nights. Each night we had a crazy huge fresh seafood dinner where we got to pick the fish/crab/lobster they would cook up for us.

The town is infested with hideous white men in their 50's who pay about $20 a day to rent Filipina girlfriends. I guess that it is their version of Netflix.

Handles of the local rum were $3.75. Needless to say we enjoyed ourselves. T-Pain music videos we made there, via the I am T Pain app, should be released here soon. Haha. Everyone thought stew was Leo Dicaprio and would ask for a picture/autograph. Apparently other ethnicities think everyone with white skin looks the same too.

Be Weary of the Tarsier

These tiny devious fucks are called Tarsiers.  They live in the jungle, are nocturnal, sell crack, and love to rock product.  Don't get it twisted, they will rob you point blank.  They come up to you with their disarmingly cute eyes and will then pull a switch blade on you and demand your pesos.  If you don't hand over your pesos they won't hesitate to slit your wrists... vertically.  You have to be very careful when in the vicinity of these creatures or the results could be dire.

We had a run in with a group of South Eastside Tarsiers in the province of Bohol yesterday.  We were on a "tour" of the country side when we stopped at what seemed to be a small roadside honey stand.  (I mean who doesn't appreciate fresh natural honey on their biscuits early in the morning.  To me, this is like a slice of home even while abroad.)  The afternoon quickly turned dark as we were approached by the alpha-male of the group who identified himself at Teddy Ruxbin.  He demanded all of my pesos, my iphone (so he could keep in touch with his crew more efficiently and listen to Animal Collective), and Jeremy's Rayban Wayfarers.  Apparently the Tarsier Indie / Hipster scene is larger than I thought.  We did as told and he let us go without incident.  

Despite our rough encounter, I still want to bring three to America, dress them in tiny Lost Boys Costumes, take them to the 3rd street promenade in Santa Monica, and have them re-enact the dinner scene from Hook when Peter Pan finds out he still does believe.  $$$

"You're doing it Peter"

Breakfast in Bohol with Locals

Just enjoying a coffee, some scenery, and the company of friends.  We were addressing life and it's various components.  Stew took this gem of a photo and could not be in it because his creativity forbid it.


We were not in the city of Manila the day the bus was hijacked and those Hong Kong tourists were killed.  It was a sad day in Manila.

The Courageous Tale of Henry Pippenstock

It all ended so suddenly, so abruptly. Half the crowd roared and exclaimed with greedy anticipation while the other half fished through their hole ridden pockets with angst for pesos that were no longer theirs. Through the haze of cigarette smoke, visible body odor, and shamelessness I attempted to spot the location where the act occurred that would change the lives of hundreds. It was a bloodbath, a crime scene, a murder pit. There was blood everywhere, displayed in a pattern only the deranged could truly appreciate. The feathers and pesos that littered the ring were quickly collected by the crew and victorious trainer respectively. Henry Pippenstock lay lifeless in the center of the ring without any regrets. Although he paid the highest price, he fought with honor and courage, and that should be noted accordingly. His ancestors, if cognizant of his existence, will be proud and will greet him properly in the afterlife. However, without any mark of acknowledgment, his legacy was quickly abandoned as hands flickered throughout the crowd, zealously searching for new betting parters for the next battle.

Everyone gambles in the Philippines regardless of age. The little kids wager their lunch money on bingo games and spider fighting*. The mature look towards games combining luck and skill, such as mah-Jong and various card games, in hopes of enhancing their disposable income. Fittingly, the most crowded place in the mall is the scratcher lotto ticket kiosk. For the extreme however, there is the cock fight.

I attended such a fight and interviewed a 60 year old veteran cock trainer to get the low down on the sport and discovered the following. (actually he asked me for money to buy smokes and probably sniffing glue but because he asked in Tagalog I interpreted it as he was giving me a beginners guide to cock training and fighting):

A psychopathic fighting cock costs about $125 and is solely an investment. Always treat your cock as an asset and not a friend. Your cock will take about 1 month to get into peak physical condition so that all other cocks immediately fear him, so plan ahead. Be careful not to over feed your cock, because a fat cock is a dead cock. If your cock acts up, beat him into submission to assert your dominance. You can't have your cock running your life, you run his. Poke him with a stick throughout the day to build his strength and feed him any steroids you can get your hands on. These steps, if precisely followed, should yield you a victorious cock, millions of pesos (a few hundred US dollars), and dinner.**

Going to the cockfight I felt very dirty, but that was probably because the city has about 4feet visibility due to the pollution and is always 90degrees F with 90 percent humidity. To think of it I only feel clean here for about 30 seconds after a shower. I paid my fee and entered a stadium that rivaled the Colosseum of Rome in grandeur. It smelled fucking awful; I will no longer make jokes as I pass Body Works in the American malls and will be grateful of it's light and playful scents instead. We made our way to the back top of the stadium to stand and view because we paid the poor people price to avoid detection as Americans. The ballers had their own section and got broken plastic patio furniture chairs to sit in. I have never been so jealous of someone who possessed something purchased at dollar store in my life.

The cocks were paraded around the ring and the crowd started to give each other what looked like gang signals. Apparently they all speak the "gambling" dialect of sign language. Careful to not make eye contact with any strangers, I anxiously awaited the fight. Henry Pippenstock v. Sgt Bullox.

After a short, yet hard fought, 22.5 seconds, Henry's lifeless corpse lay dormant amongst a ring full of broken dreams. My emotions were mixed as I stood there in disbelief. Although I didn't bet anyone and lose my pesos, I still felt Henry's loss.

He will always be remembered as a huge part of my life.

*The pics are of the kids spider fighting.

**The winning trainer gets the dead loser cock to eat for dinner.

Pics

Me, Rom, Ivan and stew at chocolate mtns.

Me and stew at some sketchy looking church that is surely the start of horror movies.

Rom practicing witchcraft aka Gary Potter.

Update!!!!

APM will be joining me on the Hong Kong leg of my journey. As I post this I just felt Asia tremble with fear.

First Sighting of Another American

For 5 days I have been the sole American in this great nation... Until now. More proof money buys happiness here.

The Secret...

This is what makes you very attractive and unthreatening in the Philippines.

View of Manila Skyline

A view of the Manila skyline.

I Came, I Saw, I Absolutely Dominated Shit

No, this isn't an think piece about the notorious sex tourism industry that is rampant in Southeast Asia (although that article is in the works and I assure you I will due the necessary research to make it as informative as possible),* the physical pleasures that it likely provides, or the probability that you can purchase multiple women to perform said acts for roughly the cost of a Pinkberry. I am talking about basketball.

In the States I am completely awful at it and in turn hate it because I despise anything I'm not immediately awesome at. Here, I love the fuck out of the game. Not every day do you see a 6'1'' center dominate the court and all it's constituents so masterfully. Quick side note, p90x might be tough, but try doing wind sprints in 90 degree weather with 4004% humidity for an hour.

Ramuel and I played with some locals, 5v5, at a court near the house in Cabayo where we are staying. With a collective height of 10feet 3 inches, our team beat the opposition with a final count of hsgajfnb to lakbelal. I actually don't know the final score because I don't speak Tagalog, but I'm pretty sure we won because the other side gave my teammates their lost wages (about 30 cents a head) and then they sacrificed their weakest player to the basketball gods with a slow and pain filled public stoning. Apparently they take losing very seriously. Just kidding, they didn't stone him to death. They used an AK47. Everyone knows it is more modern, efficient, and let's everyone in a 2 mile radius know you don't accept poor performance.

My teammates are probably using their winnings to build local pro-bono hospitals for orphaned burn victims, and since I was pretty much the key to the victory that yielded that money, I also must have helped the locals. I now know how Wesley Snippes must have felt when he donated all his money to the US government tax devision and then selflessly volunteered to inspect the state penitentiary for 3-5 years.

Sadly, I am going to retire my own jersey here simply so I can say I went undefeated at b-ball in the Philippines. Ceremony details, time, and location to shortly follow. Tell your friends.

Had me!? Had me!? HAH! You never even had your car.

*Legal disclaimer: I have not and will not, nor was the purpose of my trip, to engage in the unlawful participation or furtherance in any form, of what is commonly referred to as "sex tourism."

Time Traveling

It is very hard to explain the details, and I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I completely skipped Wednesday and am now in the future on Thursday night at 7:30pm.  We must have gunned the Delorian to 88.  Anyways I'm not upset at all because Wed's usually suck ass.  Who wants a middle day in the week?  Not this guy.  The sun came up just fine and set as planned.  If anyone bets you otherwise, TAKE THAT BET.  It is more of a sure thing than Ocho Cinco's "Perfect Catch" getting a season 2. 

So far I have learned that the Manila airport smells like stale trix cereal.  I just hope that doesn't foreshadow my journey because I want to neither have the roof of my mouth cut up, nor find a sugar coated grasshopper up in my shit.  *Note, there was not a prize at the bottom of the airport.

I have also learned that everyone wears pants like a dick head here.  It is as if they just got the show Family Matters here and could not decide whether to follow Eddy or Urkel's style.  While Eddy had his shit on lock, and the unparalleled ability to add masculinity to any purple shirt, Urkel did get more air time.  They followed the latter and the result looks like a city of telletubies wearing mid-drifts. 
I also helped carry a newly bought room fan, for a family we are staying with, out of the department store they bought it from.  Their kids seemed almost as excited for moving air as much as I usually get for an open bar.  While I tried to identify with them I just couldn't because I'm used to central A/C.  I guess some things don't translate.

No pics yet because my phone gets no wifi.

Keep it classy San Diego....

Jack meets his biological son

GETTING READY TO LEAVE... PEACE OUT USA

I am getting ready to leave America. Patriotism is dead, justice has lost it's virtue, and all is stale in the capitalistic nation that I was instructed to love. PSYCHE. I am just going on a trip to Asia for a month because I can. I HEART AMERICA. ROCK, FLAG, EAGLE.

I plan on being really weird in Asia and finding inner solace.

I AM QUEENS BOULEVARD